If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
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The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.