Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
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[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*