OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
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My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Oh yeah that’s it
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back