@David_Ingram: Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: "How do I accept cash?"
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@iGreenMonk: It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
@gojarbe: *spills water on pants* ok don't let anyone think you peed your pants "hey what happ--" MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
@krisv_723: Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
@Rollmaninoz: I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.