@timdonakowski: Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@dyldonot: "any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?" [I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic] HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
@RobertManchild: My car is 13 years old. I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.
@samalmightysam: Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.