@timdonakowski: Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
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@Vodkantots: In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you're never allowed to unbutton your pants.
@WalkingOutside: Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you're like, "What the hell have I done?"
@Amusitr0n: [clenching fists] "I'll fight someone" Waiter: For the last time sir, 'cheese plate' describes the items on the plate not the plate itself