Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
You Might Also Like
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Come back with a warrant
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Respect
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago