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“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”