I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.