Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!