Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right