[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
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Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
(Gaming support cat.)
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.