Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
You Might Also Like
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
how to exercise your calf muscles
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.