My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You Might Also Like
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend