@msgwenl: Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

@QwertyJones3: "That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice." No Grandma, that's Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

@rudy_mustang: Cop: what the hell are you doing Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her

@sharpular: Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is. Me: That's a book.

@longwall26: "Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!" "LOL sir, that was a barber." "He was black." "We're sending a battleship."