@DirtMcTurd: Ex (trying to make me jealous): I'm going to a party, everyone's drinking, laughing, and having fun! Me: that'll all stop once you show up

@mattgallo123: Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.

@KyleMcDowell86: [Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a "gang" [Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] "Not a chance"

@BillyCorben: They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant -- and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

@morgan_murphy: I don't think I could be a mom. Listening to another person cry all night just seems awful & I wouldn't want to impose that on a baby.