I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Barbie gone wild
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you