Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
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Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
#Caturday
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)