“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
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“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I don’t hate children, just yours.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I cannot call her anything else now
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u