@DistractedMomma: Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can't leave messages now. That's the kind of genius I am.
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@Sickayduh: Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn't mean he's racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I'd start over.
@novicefather: I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond. He climbed on my "corpse" for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.
@KeetPotato: playboy: "apparently they just read it for the articles" [takes out all nude women] every man on earth: "well this has back-fired massively"
@PhuckinCody: [walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers] WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn't know corporate was coming