Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
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I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I just ran a .003048K
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Danger is very dangerous
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.