@thatdutchperson: Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'
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@sixfootcandy: How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out "Oh come on. Even I've done THAT!"
@iAmDelFreaky: *sticks hand into jean pocket* Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket? *checks other pocket and finds nuggets* Oh, ok.
@thestlouisan: I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.
@Darlainky: Dear Santa, Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.