@thatdutchperson: Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'
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@juliussharpe: I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?
@3sunzzz: Me: Did you finish the banana bread? 16: yep Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread. 16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
@PaperWash: [interview at a clothing store] be cool, don't let them know you're a dog "so what color is this dress?" oh you gotta be kidding me
@VaDawn13: Dear Restaurant Managers: If more than 3 employees ask me how I'm enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don't know.