Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
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#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
this country is so goddamn polarized
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.