Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?