@ScobeyWanKenobi: Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn't even know you could live in pizza places. I'm in love!
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@SCbchbum: My gal pal: "Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin... What's you're secret?!" Me: "Poverty."
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn't named her baby is because she doesn't know she's supposed to.
@Reverend_Scott: [job interview] How would you improve our business? "Dude, I'd bankrupt you in a week. I'm just catchin Pokemon in your office."
@kumailn: The director of "A Girl in the River" went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars