Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
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hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him