Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
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It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC