Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
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titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.