Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
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card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
WWE is French for “yes”
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.