Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
You Might Also Like
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected