Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
You Might Also Like
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My dating profile:
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Merry Christmas
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed