Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably