Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
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Doug is just Canadian for dog
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.