Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.