@YoungNobler: Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what's in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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@badbanana: Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
@hardlyrelevant: (interview for construction job) Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs? Me: (proudly) Didn't even have to look at the instructions
@MunkMania: You know shit's getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
@LoveNLunchmeat: So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage... But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.