Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
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I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
The internet is magic sometimes.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
The best plant holders?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool