Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
You Might Also Like
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Venn
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname