Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
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I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.