Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
TEETH IS INNOCENT
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
*jingles half the way*
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto