Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.