@goldengateblond: Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I'm a dream.
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@ilovepie84: Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
@WilliamAder: Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
@_The_Man__: Wife: the library called about an overdue book *eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life* "Tell them I died in the moon wars"