Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
12653.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”