Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
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Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.