There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
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Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you