Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
You Might Also Like
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Can’t stop laughing
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…