@NurseSeymour: Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It's called Facebook.
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@HeidiGolightly: Do I still have feelings for my ex husband? Yes. I think "stabby" is a feeling, right?
@mlinhart: LIFE HACK: If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you
@jaggings: Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.
@david8hughes: [first day as furniture salesman] Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it? Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really