@NurseSeymour: Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It's called Facebook.
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@UGotMeRight: The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Job interview] "Under "skills" you have odd compliments." "You look like you'd have soft bones. "Thank you?"
@iwearaonesie: *comes home from work *wife jumps in my arms *sees I'm crying wife: Why are you crying? me: You just crushed all the Oreo's in my fanny pack