*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
getting groceries
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.