Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?