@my_minivan_life: Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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@HumanPog: *gets to heaven* omg grandpa!! grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
@WICKEDTRUTH01: *Takes your face in my hands* *Looks deep into your eyes* *Whispers "You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you" *
@AndrewNadeau0: I'm not rich in money, but I'm rich in friends and family. You know, the bad kind of rich.
@UncleBob56: Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone. Me: Will it make my dinner? D: No but- M: Good talk.