Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
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Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.