Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
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graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
he looks great for his age
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.