Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
The police never think its as funny as you do.