My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction