Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”