Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
True.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor