Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
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I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Uh oh…
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!