@SomthinBoutSara: Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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@SamTR7: I just got an email offering "free bible verses". You know, because who can afford bible verses?
@EndhooS: *Wife walks in, the house is trashed* "OMG..we've been burgled" *I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear* HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
@KurtBusiek: I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
@Fred_Delicious: "so doc... am I dying?" "we're all dying, just at different speeds" "but what about me" "You're like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao"