Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
British people be like I’m Bri ish