Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
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I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.