Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream