@robdelaney: Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We're all crying. It's awesome.
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@marinhubka: I milked the cow "We don't have a cow" the neighbors' cow then "Their cat?" Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo "Meow" Ah shoot
@JohnHilsen: When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you're auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say "OK I'll let you know"